Posted on 04 Jun 2013
3 min read
We have compiled, for your entertainment, a list of the top 10 gym personalities.
It’s basically a who’s who of idiosyncratic characters/annoying wankers in the free weights area.
You might find a few of these people familiar…
Most likely to be seen: deadlifting a minimum of 250kg for a few reps then leaving.
Do not attempt to cut in, it will take you far too long to un-rack and then re-rack his weights.
A monster of a man.
Most likely to be seen: finishing his sloppy set of bicep curls and then lifting up his ‘muscle’ vest to check out his abs in the mirror.
Like a fat girl with huge tits, it just doesn’t count.
He doesn’t have an ounce of muscle on his body but makes a point of talking to the biggest guys in the gym.
A complete cunt.
Most likely to be seen: crying his eyes out on the lat pulldown machine and constantly checking his message-less phone.
He’s not been seen in weeks but this is his fifth visit since Monday.
Uses phrases such as: “Fuck her, I’m just gonna get massive now”.
Most likely to be seen: with hair growing out of his shoulders.
A terrifying-looking man who’s been lifting weights since before you were born.
He may have killed people in that time.
Don’t ask, don’t look.
Most likely to be seen: attempting the Spartan Workout, throwing the bar while benching on the smith machine, and almost certainly wearing club shorts and/or t-shirts.
It’s probably lager in their drinks bottles, but strangely it seems to improve their performance.
Most likely to be seen: wearing a skin tight, brightly coloured, heavily advert laden, matching shorts and t-shirt combo.
He’ll only do legs and will probably do his warm up and down on the vacant spin bikes, just in case we didn’t know he’s a cyclist.
Most likely to be seen: shouting through every rep.
He’s lifting a lot and has a good physique, no complaints there, some people have a lot of time on their hands.
But he’s fucking annoying.
Most likely to be seen: in groups of about five to seven, and, like a herd of gazelles on the Serengeti, three or four of them will be on the lookout for approaching predators.
Useless exercises and pointless resistance machines are the order of the day, as they go from bicep curls, to pec dec, to shrug machine, to the adductor, to tricep rope extensions.
Thankfully they’ll leave in a couple of weeks and go to another gym with more machines.
NB: Thought it best to not Google ‘groups of teenagers in the gym’.
Most likely to be seen: trying to finish her workout as quickly as possible, looking uncomfortable about the less than subtle glares of the other gym goers.
Then again, if you insist on wearing those skin-tight workout leggings then I’m going to stare Naomi, yes I will, yes I will.
Sorry about that.
Most likely to be seen: wearing a ‘Tapout’ shirt and doing excessive amounts of plank.
He doesn’t actually have a scratch on him, so he’s either as hard as nails, or has never actually fought anyone.
Either way don’t ask.
You’ll be beaten to death or bored to death with his review of UFC 168.
Can also be seen picking out curtain patterns in Dunelm Mill with his missus (true story).
So there we have it, these are our top 10.
I’m sure there are many more we have missed off the list – including several fitness personalities on Instagram – so feel free to add yours in the comments below following the same format.
Having spent every waking hour of his childhood swimming, Greg now works, lifts, eats chicken and travels. He is our (un)masked Zorro of bodybuilding academia.
Other suggested personalities (from Facebook) include:
1) Clock man
Bloke at the gym who carries round a bright red analogue clock, approximately the size of a dinner plate.
There are at least three wall mounted clocks in the gym, perhaps he can’t see them and needs glasses?
Or he could just wear a watch.
2) Annoying cunt guy that looks like he’s never lifted a weight in his life yes dispenses endless training and nutrition tips to everyone as if he’s 8 x Mr Olympia
3) The Recreational Steroid Using Chump
They have a reasonable amount of muscle mass but no clue on how to capitalise on their blatant chemical advantage.
They turn up in a string vest with their shaven, swollen and sun bedded chest hanging out and usually have perfect threaded eyebrows.
They role up in three quarter length jean-shorts and flip flops (or half navy, half white pumps), bang out chest and arms (three times a week) whilst occasionally stopping to update their Facebook profile with a side on body shot of a tensed bicep and a signature ‘duck lips face’.
Back and shoulders are occasionally rotated into the usual chest/arms routine, however Deadlifts are way to strenuous, so they opt for terrible form shrugs and swinging-back lat pull downs.
They are never seen with a Barbell on their back unless its to do squats in the smith machine (with knee wraps) and often leave before even breaking a sweat. Oh yeah, they ALL have some form of tattoo.
“The Lazy Bastard”
This dick-for-brains takes 5 different sets of dumbbells from 5 different racks, does a few reps with each one, then leaves them all over the floor!