The Gymtalk Guide To Picking Up Women

The Gymtalk Guide To Picking Up Women

If you’ve clicked on a link to read this blog post, it’s likely one of two things has just happened.

If you’re a single male, then you’ve probably just finished an insentient session on Red Tube, and as the post-fap tristesse kicks in, fueled in no small part by your amber-encased keyboard, slight breathlessness and the realisation that you’ll never find a woman slouched over your laptop like a demented hunchback, clicking onto this article was a last ditch attempt to turn your life around.

Or maybe you have a girlfriend, in which case I presume the following:

While flicking through tabs of progressively profligate porn, your mouse hovering over the faces of Eastern Bloc hookers with the glazed over eyes of ghouls and arseholes like the hull of HMS Queen Elizabeth after a cruise missile attack, you hear the steps of your girlfriend on the stairs, and in a frantic attempt to mute the soulless squeals emanating from your browser, you click on something – anything – to arouse less suspicion (although this, as you are finding out, was probably not the best choice.)

If you fall into the former category, congratulations, you’re about to undergo a transformation from the sad bastard that you are into a slightly less sad bastard but one whose semen occasionally lands in something other than a sock.

If you’re from the latter group, read on and take a mental note, as you’ll need this information when your missus inevitably ditches you for someone with more money and bigger muscles.

The gym: a sanctuary of sex

ancient greece gym sex

Since time immemorial, the gymnasium has been one of the prime locations to attract the opposite sex.

The scent of sweaty flesh, gushing testosterone and physical exertion all combine to create an atmosphere as seductive as Dr Fox in Stringfellows with a chemically assisted erection.

Add to this the fact that sex is a founding pillar of the fitness industry – 99% of people work out to become more attractive to the opposite sex – and you have the makings of a vaginal nirvana.

Now, by working out regularly, you’re already on the right path, as a fit body, like an expensive Italian suit, strumming Enrique Iglesias at sunset, or a dexterous command of 16th century sonnets, will do wonders for your sex appeal.

Indeed, well before Pythagoras calculated that the square of the hypotenuse was equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides, his more streetwise peers had calculated a considerably more important theorem: that rocking a chiseled torso equaled some mighty fine Athenian clunge.

(Or young Athenian cock, as pederasty was commonplace in classical antiquity.)

But how best to approach the task of converting those long, hard stares across the gym floor into long, hard notches on your bedpost?

What are the optimum methods for utilising this lucrative hunting ground?

Picking up women at the gym is certainly no entry-level fumble down Chasers on a Friday night, so you’ll need all the help you can get to become a talented technician in this area.

Allow us to enlighten you…

1) Location, location, location

Rule #1: if you want to sleep with decent quality women, you need to join a better gym.

There’s no point following the rest of our advice if your gym looks like a post-apocalyptic version of the Jeremy Kyle show.

clint eastwood shudder gif

Case in point: if the female clientele in your shabby leisure centre gym are so ugly they make you angry just to be in the same room (i.e. if you’re reading this in Nuneaton/Dunstable/Rotherham), then it’s time to fork out more money for your membership.

Seducing the aforementioned demographic will result in a minus score, and, to compound matters, if, by some alchemy of heroin and methamphetamine, you do actually end up in bed with one of these women, your only recourse, naturally, will be to emigrate to Siberia, immediately.

So, unless you fancy the prospect of living in hut in the Ural Mountains, you better act sharpish.

According to recent research from the British Institute of Shagging, it’s a certifiable fact that the hottest girls attend gyms in high-income areas and within close proximity of university campuses.

By all means do some reconnaissance work before parting with your membership, bearing in mind that the premium quality chicks will usually pile in after work and for yoga/Zumba classes.

2) Become a regular

So you’ve joined a better gym, one with lavender scented hand towels and toilets that flush after one yank, what now?

Your next goal is to become a familiar face.

You will need to be on speaking terms with everyone, from the grouchy Lithuanian receptionist (possibly a lesbian) to Howard the Nigerian bog cleaner (may have killed someone).

Once you have reached this point, you should be au fait with everything that goes on, at what time, and on what day.

Importantly, at this juncture you will be perfectly placed to internalise the habits of the gym’s female contingent:

rain man hangover gif

Like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, you should be able to rattle off minute details, for example:

  • Carol: attends Zumba every Wednesday, 6:30am.
  • Vanessa: squats Monday and Friday c20:00 (Friday tighter leggings).
  • Astrid: spends 45 minutes in the sauna after every workout.
  • Yvonne: certainly first in the queue when God was handing out chests.

By all means get organised and make a spreadsheet.

In addition to amassing an invaluable mental database of all the women in your gym, becoming a familiar face will make women more inclined to speak to you, as well as providing you with some common ground to instigate conversation.

For instance: “You like Zumba? I love Zumba! Let’s fuck!”

You don’t have to necessarily use that verbatim, it’s just an idea to get you started.

3) Be the alpha male

To make yourself desirable in the gym, irrational self confidence will be required at all times.

Women love a complete and utter tosser, it’s well documented.

For example, think back, for a second, on your schooldays.

Who had more success with the girls?

Was it the long-haired son of the local vicar?

Or was it the boy who used to set fire to the lockers, excelled at nipple cripples, and once wrote “Paedo” in ketchup on the principal’s car?

More examples can be found in the movies.

For instance, the following quintessential alpha males only have to look at a woman to send blood surging to her vaginal walls:

  • Gaston – Beauty and the Beast
  • Steve Stiffler – American Pie
  • Ian Malcolm – Jurassic Park
  • Kim Jong-Il – Team America: World Police
  • Begbie – Trainspotting

begbie trainspotting gif

By fusing these personalities into the one giant, indestructible supercunt, you should be well on your way to becoming the alpha male of your gym, as well as, quite possibly, achieving a sudden insight into some kind of zen-like transcendental truth.

Some further tips for achieving this alluring aura:

  • Dish out unsolictited advice to the biggest guy in the gym as he begins the concentric phase of a 250kg squat.
  • See a woman reaching for a 10kg dumbbell? Ask her if she’s sure she didn’t intend to pick up the 2.5kg one instead.
  • Never EVER re-rack your weights – this is a menial chore for lesser males and gym staff .
  • And basically anything else from our Guide to Gym Etiquette.

4) Class attendance is mandatory

Any well-prepared cocksman will tell you that one of the best ways to meet women at the gym is to attend a class, where you are guaranteed a male to female ratio of at least 1:9.

Zumba, Boxfit, Water Aerobics… basically any class where the chance of building muscle falls between 0-0.5% is ideal.

jen selter gif

Attend regularly with as much fake enthusiasm as you can muster, and ensure you arrive early and leave late in order to the make the most of the casual pre and post-session chit chat.

However, bear in mind that it is highly likely that attending one of these classes will arouse suspicion with the regulars, and someone will probably question your reason for being there.

Therefore, make sure you do your homework so you can rapidly counter attack.

Scenario 1: quarrelsome

For a hostile comment, try the following:

Girl 1: “Why the sudden interest in yoga?”

You: “Firstly, let me clarify which school of yoga are you referring to? Do you mean Hatha Yoga, the system of physical techniques supplementary to a broad conception of yoga, or Raja yoga, the goal of yoga (which is usually samadhi), and not a method of attaining it?”

Girl 1: “Er…”

You: “I personally don’t see the two branches as mutually exclusive…”

Scenario 2: flirty

If the girl is interested, go straight for the jugular:

Girl 2: “Why the sudden interest in Yoga?”

You: “I require enhanced flexibility for my Karma Sutra Extreme Qualification.”

As a bonus, any girl you pick up at yoga class will be as flexible as fuck, and guaranteed to shag like an industrial powered sewing machine.

5) Reception

One of the most effective places to pick up women at the gym is, believe it or not, the reception.

Some guys in your gym will know about some of the more target-rich environments (yoga class, adductor machine, water cooler, etc), but the reception area will contain some premium low hanging fruit which is ripe for the picking.

Inevitably, the dour receptionists will be of Eastern European descent, and we can use this fact to our advantage.

Again, doing your homework is mandatory, as you’ll find some common ground which you can easily exploit.

Google, for example, throws up the following facts about the Polish:

  • “Intolerant of homosexuals”
  • “Don’t smile”
  • “Flat heads”
  • “Hate Russia”
  • “Hard working”
  • “Emigrate to the UK”
  • “Religious”

polish stereotypes gif

Armed with this factually consistent information, approach the receptionist, who will more than likely just be happy that someone is giving her the time of day, and reel off some of these tried-and-tested lines (complete with translations):

“You smile a lot for someone from Eastern Europe.”

“Dużo, że uśmiech na kogoś z Europy Wschodniej.”

“The Pope’s great, isn’t he?”

“Papież jest super, nie?”

“What was your least favourite thing about living in a bleak, impoverished Communist state?”

“Co było najmniej ulubioną rzeczą mieszka w ponurym, zubożałej komunistycznego państwa?”

“Some guy just winked at me in the showers so I smashed his face in.”

“Jakiś facet po prostu mrugnął do mnie pod prysznicem, więc rozbił twarz w”.

6) Image is everything

If you want to pick up women at the gym, then you need to start dressing to impress.

You wouldn’t wear baked bean-stained jogging bottoms and Phil Mitchell’s wifebeater to All Bar One on a Saturday night, so why wear it to the gym and expect results with the ladies?

Same goes for body odour, as no self-respecting female will consider putting your ballsack in her mouth if you smell like Bob Geldof’s armpit.

So, in future, invest in a better gym wardrobe and a decent quality antiperspirant before hitting the squat rack.

Standing out and making a statement is key.

Tight shorts are a must – if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Best-of-2012-pictures-tight-shorts-on-men

And, remember, if the pros can get away with striped spandex onesies, so can you.

Yes, you may look like you’re auditioning for the lead in a homosexual viking movie, but bear in mind the goal here is “peacocking”, that is, getting yourself noticed.

This is art of attraction 101 stuff.

7) Lift to impress

Women do not care about your personality, they care about how many plates are on that bar.

Contrary to what any indie rom-com would have you believe, women want a he-man with bulging lats and traps, not some little boffin with a waif-like waist, non-prescription glasses and a Smiths t-shirt.

This is genetically hardwired, going back to Neanderthal times when our chimp-like ancestors lived or died on their ability to protect offspring from lion attacks and smash their competitors’ heads in with a rock.

So it’s time to get noticed and show her how strong you are.

After all, while we no longer live under the threat of wild animal attacks, you never know what’s around the corner while shopping in places like Lidl or Primark.

For help on your quest for strength, consult some of the following articles from the Gymtalk archives:

https://gymtalk.com/10-old-school-commandments-for-building-muscle/

https://gymtalk.com/3-exercises-for-breaking-powerlifting-prs/

https://gymtalk.com/reg-park-5×5-routine/

https://gymtalk.com/stronglifts-5×5/

Alternatively, just fake it ’til you make it.

Even loading up a bar for a 300kg deadlift will catch her eye, and, as you wont be able to lift this much, just pretend you have when she gazes in your direction, by growling and snarling like a cornered hippopotamus.

(Hint: this will also give the ladies a preview of how you perform in the bedroom.)

For added realism, you can also have a wingman congratulate you on the phantom lift.

Remember to up the grunt-o-metre at all times.

loud noises anchorman gif

Volume is key, whether you’re doing lateral raises, filling up your water bottle, or performing a routine defecation.

If you didn’t scream during the rep, then it doesn’t count.

Top tip: ask a girl for a spot for that 150kg squat, she will be so flattered I guarantee her cervix will instantaneously soften.

8) Coach

yoga creepAnother easy way to pick up women in the gym is to train them.

It’s a well known fact that women are attracted to teachers, professors and anyone in a position of authority (why do you think anyone goes into politics?).

Remember that chemistry teacher from High School who looked like a withered Mick Hucknall and once confessed he had performed his own circumcision?

I guarantee that he was on at least 50 bangs per year, pro rata.

Don’t bother becoming a personal trainer (unless you have zero ambition in life), just loudly espouse your extensive knowledge for all to hear and offer to help your gym crush with her snatch (you can have that one for free).

Signing off

So there we have it, eight invaluable pointers which should help you become the John Travolta of your local gym in no time at all.

Put these tips to good use and let us know how you get on!

And if you have any more actionable hints or anecdotes to share, please let us know in the comments section below.

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  1. Ahhahahaha, the most funniest approach to gym-talk 🙂

  2. Hilarity and offence in equal measure.

    1. That’s how we roll!

  3. This is the first thing I saw on the website, and it’s also the funniest thing I read gym-related today.

    Kudos Henry, kudos!

    1. Cheers Kate 🙂

  4. Good post!

    Making a spreadsheet to keep track of girls in the gym is my favorite.

    1. Thanks Mike.

      I’m hoping the irony isn’t lost on you – I wouldn’t want this post ending up as Exhibit A during any court case…

  5. The Steve Steve Carell gif is priceless haha.

    1. A classic for sure!

  6. Looks like being a coach is ultra awesome! :))

    1. Just don’t let Operation Yewtree catch up with you.

  7. “Add to this the fact that sex is a founding pillar of the fitness industry – 99% of people work out to become more attractive to the opposite sex”

    Hey, that’s not true.

    Some of us work out to become more attractive to the same sex 😉

    1. My bad – sorry Julian!

  8. The last photo with the “coach” is so funny, but still relevant; it makes you wonder what is your wife doing at the gym 🙂

    1. Probably fucking someone else, James – I know I would be if my husband ran a fishing blog.

  9. You would be surprised at how many guys follow this almost exact approach lol.

    I was spotting my female friend the other night in the gym, 4 guys were overheard by her about what she was on a 0-10 scale and how bangable she was.

    Her response as she walked by them was all 0 out of 10! lol.

    Guys should probably talk softer or not assume her earbuds are blaring lol.

    1. Wait… who was given 0/10?

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