Posted on 24 Apr 2014
4 min read
At Gymtalk we’re privileged to work with some of the UK, USA and UAE’s (seriously) finest personal trainers.
And while it seems that we may fastidiously favour people from countries that can be acronymised and begin with U, we will only work with guys or girls we believe have something truly great to offer the fitness world.
Conversely, this means that there is an awful lot of dross hanging out in our gyms up and down the country, masquerading as qualified and certified personal trainers.
From our experience, their certification may as well be the result of “Collect 6 vouchers from special packs of Monster Munch and become a PT”.
For those who are interested, Roast Beef MM are my all time favourite crisp, and if Heat magazine want to contact me for the exclusive interview, you’ll be surprised, nay, embarrassed, about quite how affordable I am.
So, what am I actually here to do?
Why, a rather irreverent/derogatory run down of my favourite personal trainers…
About one inch from your face screaming hot spittle at you as you fail to complete his frankly dangerous obstacle course.
The rope ladders, barbed wire crawling tunnel and monkey bars where fine, but the waterboarding section was just a slight step too far.
Also, having Rupert Brooke and Siegfried Sassoon argue over who gets the rights to document your struggle is really starting to get on your tits.
Most of your workouts will be press ups, and when you can’t hit the required number of press ups, your punishment will be press ups.
Think Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, and yes, you may end up killing him and yourself.
You have no self respect or pain threshold.
Writing an almost impossible workout on a white board then trivialising it with a niche female name: Agatha, Beryl, Eugenie, or some other shite.
The CrossFit Level 1 Certification course takes one day to gain and topics covered are almost exclusively learning how to only talk about CrossFit and dismiss all other forms of strength and conditioning training.
To be fair you will be training at lot of big lifts: snatch, cleans, squats and pull ups.
But have you ever seen someone bash out a set of kipping pull ups?
It looks like Kermit the Frog on acid.
You want to join a community of equally annoyingly positive people, or like this girl’s arse:
Leading a group workout that looks like a Roman orgy.
The minimalist outfits were one thing but the groaning noises on the sexualiser and spotting on the hump press is clearly just sharking for more clients.
She’ll be wearing an eminently meme-able slogan on her pink Lycra with yellow writing vest and ‘Strong is the New Skinny’ and ‘Yeah She Squats’ will be emblazoned on her hot pants.
In fairness, it’s quite nice to see someone who isn’t a shaved chimp leading workouts in the gym and fabreeze plugin air fresheners are a godsend during the hotter months.
But she’ll eventually have to leave after one too many inappropriate advances from number five on this list.
You really fancy a lemon fairy protein cake after your work out.
In my Top 10 Gym Personalities article looking even more swole and terrifying.
You swore you’d never train/talk to him but after six months of minimal gains with one, two or five you have a few cans of lager and pluck up the courage to talk to him.
As your voice breaks with fear he grunts a sound of acceptance.
This is it, you’ve joined the big league now son.
And while your wife and parents would really not approve of you hanging aroundwith such a nefarious character, his methods are tried and tested.
Rumour has it he bit off Abu Hamza’s arm when he couldn’t ‘two hand anyhow’ a 200lb kettlebell.
Warm up is a Farmer’s Walk, main workout will be deadlift, log press and pulling a rope with a sack of flour tied on the end over a beam.
And instead of a post-workout protein shake he just punches you in the sternum.
You feel no pain – physical or emotional.
Seriously, he will haunt your dreams.
(S)he’ll load up the bench press with double your current PR and tell you that it’s “all in the mind”.
As your lungs begin to collapse and the bright light gets closer and closer they’ll still be telling you, “It’s all you bro”.
As the ambulance wheels you out, he’ll be signing you up to the six month abdominator challenge (no refunds).
On the plus side, you do get a free branded drinks bottle.
So, there we have it, my pick of the top five personal trainer stereotypes.
I’ve pretty much stigmatised most social groups, but if you feel like I’ve gone too far or left any out, then please do give us your additions below.
Roger and out.