Posted on 13 Nov 2015
5 min read
At Gymtalk Towers we really enjoyed the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
From mirin’ the hamstrings, to applauding the big hits, to witnessing the courageous efforts of the smaller nations, it was a great tournament.
Now, at this juncture, I was rather hoping to make a hilarious joke about the over-achievement of some of the minnows such as Japan, Georgia and Scotland, but since my beloved England decided they’d put in a better showing cheering on Gary Barlow than sticking it to the Welsh, I won’t.
That said, the point still stands.
In addition, I was hoping to include England’s Manu Tuilagi in this formidable list, but since he decided to punch two female police officers I thought it best to not give him too much publicity (although check out this article I featured him in a few years ago).
And so, after six weeks of bone-shattering action, here are Gymtalk’s ‘Biggest Bastards of the Rugby World Cup 2015’…
Nandolo is a winger.
Let’s just take that in for a minute…
Imagine a rabies-addled race horse running full pelt with the express purpose of ploughing you into the Twickenham turf then you have Nemani Nandolo.
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that he’s the largest man who’s ever lived.
One can only imagine the sense of pride and admiration the Fijian population must’ve felt as they all crowded round a single TV in a mud shack powered by tethered goats and juju.
Despite his obvious size and strength, Nandolo is also a highly accomplished goal kicker.
Watching him slot a three-pointer from 40 yards is no doubt reminiscent of Da Vinci stroking a canvas, or Rolf Harris stroking a… er…
He’s yet to find anyone moronic enough to test him.
In his own words, “people will know if you’re hard”.
Willing to run over – and through – his own team mates if it means he can smash the opposite flanker out of a ruck, Etzebeth is the embodiment of a massive South African bastard.
Nicknamed ‘The Boer Constrictor’ (I’ve made that up but it definitely could stick), Etzebeth is part of a long line of gargantuan South African forwards, however this one requires specially made dumbbells for his club gym (75kg) and sports 19″ biceps.
Despite his size and ferocity, Etzebeth rarely finds himself in the sinbin which is a testament to his overall skill set.
Etzebeth is never far from a tackle or a scrap, laughing down at opposition players as they attempt to swing at him.
Looks a bit like Borat… just don’t tell him that.
Looking like a cube on swole, the ‘Tullow Tank’ looked like smashing Ireland through to the latter stages of the World Cup.
However, while pursuing a somewhat protracted and tenuous vendetta against France’s Pascal Pape by punching him in the sternum within two minutes of kick off, O’Brien found himself suspended and his countrymen put to Argentina’s beefy Malbec swords in the quarter finals.
Incidentally, Sean O’Brien is also the name of that fat bastard who rose to prominence by being mocked online for dancing, who then had a party in LA thrown for him by 200 beauties.
Who’s laughing now then?
Still us, he’ll be dead in five years from heart disease no doubt.
Great flanker though…
Needs to work on that right hook.
A gargantuan Frenchman raised on a diet of wild boar, claret and the offerings of local peasants.
Unlike the bulky or cut physique of most other rugby players, Picamoles looks like he was simply born/fashioned in a laboratory.
Far from spending hours in the gym, I imagine three weeks before the tournament Phillipe Saint-André simply blew into some sort of conical flask and waited for Picamoles to awake from his slumber in a mountain somewhere in the Aude.
After pillaging and marauding his way across France to South West London, Picamoles was France’s only memorable player at the World Cup, capping off a decent showing by “pushing his clenched fist into the face” of New Zealand’s Richie McCaw.
He didn’t punch him.
I personally cannot wait for this unmitigated bastion of level-headedness and fair play to team up with England’s own Patron Saint of Morality Dylan Hartley at Northampton.
Looking like a cross between a fat extra from The Hobbit and a hessian sack full of horse manure, Gethin Jenkins spent most of his World Cup for Wales being buckled in the scrum by every single player he came up against.
Indeed, ever the mascots gave him a decent run for his money.
It’s widely assumed that Jenkins has several clandestine photos of Warren Gatland in compromising positions with a leg of lamb and a coal miner’s helmet; he literally wouldn’t be picked for any other reason.
Instead, Jenkins barrels his way around the pitch, putting in less-than-legal hits at the breakdown, stopping opposition players from getting up quickly, and stamping on bags of newly-born kittens.
I hate Gethin Jenkins.
So, after tallying up the scores, the coveted ‘GymTalk Award For Being The Ultimate Big Bastard 2015’ goes to Eben Etzebeth.
This sporting behemoth is imbued with the perfect combination of boer strength, tenacity, pragmatism, and a slightly nasty streak, making him our favourite bone-crunching bastard.
And at the ripe age of 24 he’s also got the potential to upgrade from ‘big bastard’ to ‘super cunt’ in the next 10 years.
Etzebeth can be trained, but he can NEVER be tamed.
To which we say “bravo”!
Who was your biggest bastard from the 2015 Rugby World Cup?
Agree/disagree with our ratings?
Hit us up with a comment below!