Gains Like A King: 4 Delicious, Alternative Protein Meals

Gains Like A King: 4 Delicious, Alternative Protein Meals

Easter weekend – four days off to celebrate Cadbury’s resurrecting Jesus.

Having just blown my load on a holiday at the end of April, a short break away was out of the question.

So how to spend my time… why, with my good friends at MuscleFood.

Ed: Obviously it’s not Easter anymore, I’m well aware of this, but I’ve been a lazy bastard of late and have gotten behind on publishing blog posts.

A quick check of our MuscleFood discount code page set me up with some massive barGAINS and I was all set for a decadent long weekend of eating, whoring and killing (just eating).


What follows is a breakdown of these four days of delicious Easter gains.

Easter Sunday was a deload day – I took it easy with roast pork and crackling.

Follow these recipes and you’ll be eating like a medieval king after a hard day slaughtering peasants and having it off with a sexy wench.

Note: despite living in Paris for nine months, I would not class myself as an overly accomplished chef – these recipes are simple, delicious and, most importantly, gainerous.

All recipes are for two people.

Thursday: Italian-Style Pollock


Pollock is both nutritionally balanced and tasty – similar to cod in taste and texture plus far more sustainable.

Like most Italian recipes, this one is fairly minimalist and uses wholegrain pasta for those overly concerned by the carbohydrate complex of pasta.


4 Alaskan Pollock Fillets (5 for £2.50 from MuscleFood)
100g smoked lardons
 200g wholegrain spaghetti
 150ml white wine
1 tbsp tomato purée
 5 shallots – diced
 2 garlic cloves – roughly chopped
 Flat leaf parsley – roughly chopped
 Salt & pepper to season
 Olive oil
Knob of butter
Vegetables of choice


1. Pan fry the pollock fillets in a little olive oil over a medium heat for 60 seconds each side. Set aside and break up into flakes

2. Fry the lardons in a pan until golden brown, remove from pan but leave the oil. Fill a saucepan with boiling water and a little salt, add the spaghetti simmer on a medium heat for 10 minutes.

3. Fry the shallots and garlic until softened. Add the tomato purée and butter, fry until all ingredients are coated.

4. Turn up and heat and add the white wine – reduce until almost all the liquid has cooked off. Reduce the heat and add the pollock and lardons back to the pan plus most of the parsley – season to taste.

5. Drain the pasta off and add to the main pan. Stir until pasta is fully coated.

6. Serve in pasta bowls and sprinkle remaining parsley if pretentious. Serve with additional boiled/steamed vegetables if desired

7. Consume

That’s 24g of delicious protein with the added benefit of omega 3 fatty acids.

Friday: Bulgogi Swordfish – Korean Style


Koreans have one of the healthiest diets in the world with their famed staple Kimchi aiding with general digestion.

This recipe uses swordfish loins – an incredible fish that has a meaty texture and a superb nutritional breakdown.

While a little pricey it’s more than worth giving a go.

Most of the ingredients can be found at your local supermarket, however the key ingredient, gochujang paste, will need to be sourced from a Chinese supermarket like Hoo Hing (which is a real place).

This dish should have a nice smokey/sweet bbq taste when complete


2 x 8oz Swordfish Loins (£9.50 from MuscleFood)
150-200g Thai jasmin rice
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
1 tbsp sesame oil
2 tbsp gochujang paste
3 garlic cloves – crushed
1 tsp grated ginger
Olive oil
Vegetables to serve


1. Mix together the soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, sesame oil, gochujang paste, garlic and ginger in a jug.

2. Place swordfish loins in a shallow dish, score the surface of the loins but keep it shallow.

3. Pour the mixture over the swordfish and rub in, cover with cling film and marinade in the fridge for 3-4 hours.

4. Remove the loins 30 minutes before serving.

5. Boil rice for 10 minutes.

6. Using kitchen roll, rub olive oil onto a griddle pan. Heat until ‘medium hot’.

7. Drain the loins of the marinade but keep aside.

8. Fry the loins in the griddle pan, 2-3mins each side, move to a separate plate to rest.

9. Pour the marinade plus any juices from the griddle pan into a saucepan and gently simmer. Pour into a serving jug and set at the table.

10. Drain the rice and serve along with the swordfish and and veg.

11. Tuck in

Each Swordfish loin will give you 38g of protein with almost no fat to boot – the perfect lean mass meal with a uniquely delicious Korean tang.

Korean Tang is also the name of Korea’s foremost Gay Porn Star… probably.

Saturday: Wagyu Beef Steak Burgers


These burgers are the nicest beef I’ve ever eaten.

Wagyu is any of several breeds of cattle, the most desired of which is genetically predisposed to intense marbling and to producing a high percentage of oleaginous unsaturated fat.

Beautiful oleaginous unsaturated fat.

Wagyu beef is pretty much as good as it gets in the beef world and these burgers are an absolute delight – with a very simple recipe here to boot:


4 x 4oz Wagyu Beef Steak Burgers (£7.00 from MuscleFood)
500g Chunky Sweet Potato Chips (£2.00 from MuscleFood)
Olive Oil
Salt and pepper to season
Vegetables to serve


1. Remove burger from fridge 30 minutes before serving. Pre heat oven to 180c.

2. Place sweet potato chips onto a baking tray, cover with olive oil and season to taste with salt/pepper/cajun/peri peri etc.

3. Rub olive oil into the burgers and season with salt and pepper

4. Heat a heavy set griddle pan or frying pan slowly until steaming hot then place burgers in the pan.

5. Fry the burgers for 90 secs each side then reduce the heat and fry for a further 2 minutes each side or until cooked through.

6. Rest the burgers for 2-4 minutes, remove the sweet potato chips from the oven and serve.

7. Gorge

You’ll notice that the burgers won’t shrink at all compared to any shitty supermarket burgers.

This is due to the marbling of the fat which really does set these apart from a traditional beef or venison burger.

Each burger is 242kcal, 21g of protein, 15g of fat and 100%g of satisfaction.

Buy these, buy these now!

Monday: Indonesian Beef Rendang Curry


Spicy, creamy, easy-to-make, good.

The curry paste for this recipe comprises red chillies, oil, galangal, garlic, salt, shallots, sugar, ginger, lemon grass, ground turmeric, coriander seed and cumin.

Presumably you’d just smash all these together in a pestle and mortar to create a lovely fresh tasting paste.

However, since I’m not a complete cunt (debatable), I just bought a pre mix from a Asian Supermarket.


400g Extra Lean Diced British Beef  (£3.75 from MuscleFood)
1 tin of low fat coconut milk
Rendang spice paste
150-200g Thai Jasmine Rice
Salt and pepper
Olive oil
Vegetables to serve


1. Coat the diced beef in a mixture of salt, pepper & flour. Fry off with a little olive oil until browned and set aside.

2. Empty contents of Rendang spice paste into a deep frying pan or wok with some oil and heat for about 30 secs.

3. Add 400ml of coconut milk and bring to a light simmer. Add the beef back to the gravy and cover then cook for 30 mins on a low heat, stirring occasionally.

4. Remove the pan lid, and continue to cook until nearly all the gravy mixture has evaporated. You should be left with a thickish gravy. Continue to cook until the meat is tender.

5. Boil Thai jasmine rice for 10-12 minutes.

6. Serve with vegetables of choice.

7. Feast.

This recipe also works well with lamb and pork, cooking times adjusted accordingly.

Signing off

Four meals, not a bland chicken breast with rice in a fest-ridden tupperware box in sight.

I appreciate that these meals are probably not for cutting, but if you want to build muscle and eat like a medieval king then here are four excellent recipes to keep things interesting in the kitchen.

Think of these are somewhere between James Martin and Jay Cutler – the sweet spot.


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  1. These recipes look very delicious!

    Especially the wagyu beef steak burgers!

    Will have to try soon, thanks for sharing!

    1. Hi Hero Form.

      Wagyu beef is spectacularly good, go for it!


  2. These alternative protein recipes look amazing!

    I am definitely looking forward to the Swordfish!

    Thanks Greg!

    Patrick Lynch

    1. Hi Patrick.

      Glad you liked them, you can also do swordfish fairly simply – just pan fried with some seasoning then drizzle olive oil and lemon on after.

      It’s my favourite fish right now by far, shits on tilapia.


  3. All these food items look delicious.

    Looking forward to try some of these if not all.

    Thanks for sharing.